the five rules for surviving new years eve

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I have been trying to order a pizza for the last hour but it would seem all the online ordering has been halted for the holidays, and I am just too ashamed to speak to someone over the phone. There is nothing more depressing than having to order a pizza this late because you have only just realized you have absolutely nothing edible in your kitchen cupboards. I spent the last few days staying with my family …

… and they have lots of food. Like most twenty-somethings during the holidays we decided we could probably forgo grocery shopping until after Christmas. It made sense; we would both be away and the having food, no one was eating, around seemed wasteful. This was an extremely stupid decision, considering I was only gone for three days and now will probably die during the night once my stomach begins consuming itself …

… and I just cannot bring myself to repeat the crouton fiasco of ’09. So, my friends, I write this hub while suffering through the pangs of starvation. I am that committed. Never mind the fact you haven’t read a post by me in nearly two weeks, focus on the positive; B taught you how to make seven different kinds of cookies.

I wanted to take this opportunity to mention New Years and refresh some of you on the rules of the night. I have never particularly liked New Years Eve much, I feel it is way overhyped and often times ends up being the low-note on a rather good holiday. How can we avoid such things as crying friends, smeared make-up, slutty one-nighters, pity-kisses and bar brawls?

Five easy and easily remembered rules, please take this time to locate a pen and paper … to write these down, obviously.

1. Are you the only single girl heading out with a bunch of coupled friends? Chances are you are not going to meet the love of your life and get your perfect New Years kiss [at the stroke of midnight], so if you plan on coming to this realization at 11:40 and crying, stay home. As much as your girlfriends, and their respective dates, are offering platitude after platitude in hopes of cheering you up … they really just want to have fun and are probably wishing you stayed home. You will probably be offered a pity-kiss when one of your besties unilaterally decides her boyfriend will kiss you as well as her at midnight …

… that is just sad. Please. You have to be better than that. Do you really want that to be your first memory of the brand new year? If the answer is anything other than no, rent a movie, buy a gallon tub of cookies-n-creme ice cream, order three pizzas and stay home. Hopefully your New Years resolution will be to display more self-respect in the future.

2. Are you planning on going to a club, bar or combination of both? Good. Fantastic. Please, do not be the assholes who think they can show up thirty minutes before midnight and bypass the line … the bouncer does not care you think you, and your crew, are hot shit. Step back, everyone in line and casual glancing out the window thinks you are a douchebag.

Plan your night ahead of time and understand eighty-nine percent of the twenty-somethings of your city or town probably have the SAME plan. You are not more important than everyone standing, out in the cold, in the ludicrously long line to pay a small fortune for one beer and two watered-down mixed drinks. If you are incapable of heading out early enough to make it into the bar or club before midnight then stay home with weepy, the single girl.

3. Are you planning on getting completely tanked and turn into a rambling idiot? Fantastic, as long as you can ramble yourself into a cab and get home without needing one of your friends to sit with you, all night, making sure you do not drown in your own vomit. It is not your best friends’, girlfriends’ or boyfriends’ job to make sure you get home at the end of the night, or remain breathing – it is also their New Years Eve as well.

This also goes for the ones who cannot hold their alcohol and end up requiring an entourage to hold their hair, purse, coat, dress, shoes, glasses, retainer, hair pins, crown and bra while they hurl into a bush. You will wake the next day with a slight hangover – undoubtedly from the two coolers you consumed and whiff of whisky you inhaled while passing the bar to get to the bathroom – but your friends will wake hating you, albeit secretly.

4. Are you planning on being slutty? I have no problem with that, but you had better have condoms in your itsy-bitsy baby purse you’ve been hauling around with you. If you happen to be the guy in this scenario and you’re about to get lucky … you probably have the strip of twenty trojans in your left pant pocket.

New Years is for new hook-ups only! Under no circumstances do you sext old flames, former boyfriends or hot co-workers you may have penciled-in during your break, last week. Old sex leads to drama and a shitty start to the year … do yourself a favour and bag yourself someone new, unless you are in a committed relationship then go home with your boyfriend/girlfriend – Jesus!

5. Are you having relationship issues and don’t think you can stop yourself from telling your girlfriend what you really think of her mothers roast beef? Stay home. There is nothing worse or more awkward than a couple fighting in a room full of their friends, who are trying to pretend not to hear the escalating argument.

Bury the hatchet for one night and have fun with your friends or leave the party early because you are just embarrassing yourself and your friends.

Have a happy and safe New Year.

Do you have some New Year rules for me to include? Email them to me at 

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