s-etiquette: porn watching boyfriends


thehiddenfeather.blogspot.com

Dear S, 

My boyfriend is porn-obsessed! He watches it all the time and it makes me really uncomfortable, should I be worried? The stuff he watches is really kinky and I’m worried he’s going to ask me to try some stuff out and I’m not okay with it. How should I tell him it bothers me without offending him? 

I NEED HELP! 

GIRL DATING PORNOHOLIC 

Dear GDP,

I’m sorry you are having a crisis of the porn variety but perhaps, before I begin responding to your cry fo help, I should introduce you to the male species. They are the ones with the favourite appendage hanging down in front – look for the one who grabs itself in public. You could leave a man with a case of beer, some of his favourite food and his penis alone for several hours and he would be completely content. You could nix the food and he would still be content. The penis is the male built in procrastination and entertainment device, which joystick do you think we learned to play with first?

That time your boyfriend stayed up late to finish studying for that huge – super important – exam and told you to go to bed, remember how you thought he was so goal-orientated? He spent thirty to forty minutes masturbating to internet porn. The reason he is constantly late for the movie or dinner with your parents? He is probably (a) masturbating in the shower or (b) playing video games online or (c) giving himself the one two pump in the car before heading into the restaurant. Horrified? I once had a date with a guy who admitted to unloading in the bushes in the back alley of the bar … I have never been so relieved I rarely shake hands on first dates. Waving is so much more sanitary.

You seem like an intelligent woman, so I’m finding it a little hard to believe you didn’t catch the CNN special on the male brain, back in 2010. Did you know by fifteen your man was producing two gallons of testosterone a day? You’re lucky he talks to you at all and isn’t off in the corner of your apartment humping the couch while grunting like a neanderthal. It’s not uncommon for men to masturbate up to three times a day, unlike women we can achieve orgasm in under a minute. Porn just helps the process along and usually provides us with enough fodder to draw out the ‘experience’ into the minute(s) territory, sometimes upwards to thirty to forty minutes.

I’m pretty sure he likes the idea of a blonde hugely endowed woman teaching him who’s boss with a whip, chain and nine inch stilettos but, in all actuality, he chose you. If you pride yourself on being a wholesome girl who dabbles in vanilla than obviously that is working for him, but it doesn’t mean he can’t get off on watching it. Men are visual creatures and we like to imagine ourselves as wild sexual beings who are up for one stimulating and taboo experience after another but we lean toward stability. If you don’t like the stuff he watches there is nothing stopping you from saying something but honestly, he’ll just watch it when you’re not home or staying over that night. He probably already does, he’s probably watching it right now.

The best you can do is ask him not to watch porn in front of you but it would be crazy to think he would agree to never watch it again. You don’t want to create some weird sexual rift whereas he thinks you believe he’s some sort of sexual-freak, it’s not great for a relationship and could kill his libido. What’s the harm in a little porn? Wouldn’t you rather him be taking care of himself rather than constantly pawing at you to help him out everyday?

And you know girls suck at handjobs. Don’t make that face, until you got one to work than you really have no idea what you are doing.

Because what’s worse? Dating a sexual-satisfied pornaholic or a whining-sexfeind (who leaves your vagina dry and sore)? No woman enjoys living with a bruised labia.

S

Do you need help only S can offer you? Write to him at thetwentiesproject@gmail.com

About these ads

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s